Frankly, my dear reader....

Have you seen the list of the greatest American movie quotes? The truth is, people, I’ll have what’s going to be a rough time trying to fitting snippets and references to a hundred lines into a 600-word column, Gipper….
So I was sitting in the morning with a wireless heart rate monitor trying to model a top of the line ancient stone Acheulean hand ax.
That’s what happens when you cross your endurance athlete and your anthropology major. As you build it, star king of the ancient tools, it’s interesting to gauge (where else could I fit in “toga”?) how far outdoors technology (from airplanes to banks) has come on the face of the earth.
I studied stone tools at UNC. I wanted to try to make my own sometime, but they make the best tools with certain stones that aren’t common.
Some of the sharpest tools of all are made of obsidian – volcanic glass. Call me crazy, but thought I’d substitute a beer bottle. It didn’t work, but I did cut up my hands some. The usual poor sucker, but I’ll never be discouraged. I dunno.
I see dead technology as useful. Obsidian, sharp on a molecular level, is much finer than you’re stinking steel scalpel we don’t’ need. What a dumb tool – forget it! Modern doctors have even reverted to stone (reopen the history books – we’ll always have the start of the technological march we’ve always depended on to fall back to) as a contender, for lack of a better word, in some operations because you’re gonna get less scarring.
I’m not going to preach, but on first looking at your elementary tech, I’ve got a feeling that as time goes by you’re gonna need to know how to use the old ways even if they don’t always smell like a rose, bud. You can’t fight it – it’s a lively debate, and it’s close – but your old ways are here to stay. This is the beginning of a resurgence – they’ll be back. Nobody puts them away in the attic anymore.
Nobody’s perfect, but not stirred and with healed hands I felt lucky and got back on that horse. Lacking obsidian, flint or other good material, a problem had me stuck, but I was going to make due with the crummy shale I had. After all that, the stone was too soft.
At the other end of the human technological endeavor is my brand new heart rate monitor. Here’s another nice gizmo (Gorgeous, precious, safe, stellar -- no wires! plastics and technology got small at some point). I got the laddy from my health insurance company, which bribes me (no crime) to exercise.
The lil baby’s complicated – the clockwork best friend came with a mechanical mounting bracket. I saw no place to put it on me, but it turns out to be with the bicycle mounting setup.
It beeps when I’m about to become too slow walking/running, saying to snap out of it. Wrap the chest strap on you and it’ll talk to/phone/communicate/bond with the little watch thingy. My little friend will also beep to me if my heart stops – something I want to know about, seriously.
I’ve seized the chance – ready for my heart rate checks. I tried to test myself while I donated blood. It came back at 59 beats a minute with a needle in my arm –impressive….
Find them all? I hope some didn’t get edited out. If you feel the need – there’s a list on Chad’s blog at www.shelbystar.com/blogs.asp. If you can’t, I have to say don’t bother me (just kidding).
Because frankly, my dear reader, I don’t give a damn.
100.