From my cold dead hands….

… you’ll have to pry my, uh, nipple wrench.
Actually, my Kentucky rifle kit doesn’t have a percussion nipple, it uses a flintlock frizzen. Duh.
But you do get a really great reaction saying “nipple wrench” in an office.
Try it, please – “nipple wrench.”
Yep, I am now a gun owner. Said piece is, however, in a box somewhere between here and www.possibleshop.com, in a few dozen parts ranging from a 33 ½ inch barrel to a [deleted. I heard the name for that part of the gun meant something dirty up North].
I’ve always found the weapons of our Revolutionary War interesting and finally decided I’d make one of my very own. So I poked around online some, talked with some folks and ordered a kit on Monday.
It was actually rather difficult to do hands on research. There’s apparently not a big enough market for these kits to find them in small gun stores, small outdoors stores, big outdoors stores or even really big gun shops with more weapons than an entire continental army.
So I’m ordering something I’ve only seen small pictures of, but it seems simple enough. And comes with directions.
For $225 I get a kit for a .50 caliber rifle relatively similar to what patriots might have carried at the Battle of Kings Mountain. And then I get the fun and sandpaper and chisel work of putting it together.
I checked on whether I have to jump through any legal hoops with getting such a weapon. Apparently not for this type of relatively primitive gun. Maybe they figure it’s more of a danger to the shooter than any shootee?
Kinda like the loose aviation regulations surrounding ultralights – they figure the only person you’ll kill is your own fool self?
These things fire one shot, take a while to load, use flint and steel to ignite the powder charge, are more than four feet long… not very popular for muggings, drive-bys, knocking off financial institutions….
In the end, it should look something like the muzzle-loader Charlton Heston likes to wave around at NRA meetings. But I don’t even own a loin cloth.
Really, think of five well-known movies he’s been in that didn’t involve him with a gun or a loin cloth – “Ben-Hur,” “The Buccaneer,” “The Three Musketeers,” “The Ten Commandments”… (I’m counting togas, too).
And then there’s the Quintessential Charlton Heston – in a loin cloth with a gun: “Planet of the Apes.”
But along with your stylish long gun you need to accessorize! That was another $50! I can’t have the British/Ape People catching me without my powder horn, my ball starter, my field powder measure!
Give me my nipple pick or give me death, you damn dirty ape!
Y’know, if you mixed Jar Jar Binks from “Star Wars: Episode I” with that prostiThat’s about where this week’s family-friendly column ends. Check out the blog at jderrickstar.blogspot.com for a guest appearance by everyone’s favorite lady from that romantic comedy, “Full Metal Jacket.”

I'm still waiting on approval to use a certain word in here. Check back later for what you get when you mix Jar Jar with that vietnamese hooker....