"...light Alan on fire...."

Pssst.... Nobody tell Alan Jenkins, our managing editor, but I'm getting ready to light him on fire.

Does anybody else watch "MythBusters"? It's a show on the Discovery Channel where folks test urban legends in scientific and entertaining ways.

Take the one about a penny off the Empire State building killing people. First they compute the a penny’s terminal velocity. Then they build a gun to fire a penny that fast at a human skull encased in ballistics gel. Then they run around their shop with the penny gun shooting each other in the a….

Ahh, yeah, my kind of show.

Anyway, they did one episode on making fire by unusual means.

Definitely my kind of show.

They proved on camera you can in fact start a fire using a lens-shaped piece of ice, with sticks, with a dissected rifle cartridge....

And with an aluminum can.

Apparently, you take a regular soda can and polish its concave bottom with chocolate (yeah, I did a double-take there too) and then use the resulting parabolic mirror to focus sunlight... and start a fire.

I don’t expect this method to overtake the use of matches and lighters any time soon. It’s probably not the best way to light a cigar. But should I be shipwrecked on a desert island with nothing but a candy bar and a Sam’s Choice cola (nothing but the finest), I’m glad to know I’d be able to light Alan on fire.

Here's my plan.

(Gettysburg Address Alert! This column is now officially longer than Lincoln’s speech.)

I've been polishing this can to test whether a can so conceived and so dedicated will light Alan on fire.

I started off with chocolate, then went to steel wool, now I'm back to chocolate. It tastes better.

Once I get it good and shiny I'll highly resolve to show it off to my coworkers....

But I'll let it be a surprise for Alan - it is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.
I’ve got to think of some way to get the newsroom folks out of the office on a sunny day. While I’ve got them distracted on some other crazy project of mine, like that time I boiled water using a homemade tin can stove and some denatured alcohol, I can sneak up behind Alan.

He just needs to hold unnaturally still for an inordinately long time and not notice any burning sensations. Or smells.

Yea, four score and seven hours ago I brought forth on this Word.doc a column dedicated to the proposition that Alan be set on fire.

He will little note, nor long remember what I write here, but he can never forget….

He says I have some quirks. I have no idea why.